The Golden Birthday Adventure Continues: CLOWN ON THE TOWN

The downside of moving away from home for college and then also career? Not a HUGE abundance of friends back home when I visit. But don’t go feeling sorry for me. I’m no Robin Williams circa 1996’s  Jack– the story of a man-child who lived closed off in his parents home and who the ‘real children’ of the town threw toy eyeballs at.

TEAR. JERKER.

When I’m home I do get looks (but not toy eyeballs) thrown at me but I can kind of understand why people would take a second look at someone perusing the aisles of Target wearing a giant cat face shirt and sporting a massive topknot on toppa yah head.

AND I WILL admit to my lady-child status but, I, unlike Jack, am obviously not afraid to live outside the bounds of my parents’ home. I very much like to venture into the booming metropolis of Lafayette, Louisiana, see what the people are up to and make my own fun AND MY OWN DAMN FRIENDS. And I will tell you exactly how I managed to do so on my latest trip home but, first things first, we got to give my hometown a bit more credit then I’ve been giving it of late. So just for one minute pretend I’m Adele and I’m singing Hometown Glory.

See I just went ahead and made that super easy for you to imagine.

“Rooooooooounnnnnd my HOOOOOOOMMMMMETOOOOWNNN.” – Me as Adele

In all honesty Lafayette really is a fascinating place. It’s full of culture and ambition and music and ideas and even some deep Southern thinkers of the Faulkner and Harper Lee variety. Its a whole different level of realness than whats found outside our parish limits.

Granted, Swamp People is also filmed a mere 30 minutes from my home but what can I say? Win some, lose some and then you “choot em’.”

Yup.

Despite all that good Cajun culture and food for some strange reason one of the HOT SPOTS to be on any given Friday night in Lafayette is a Mexican restaurant called La Fondas. But here’s the thing about La Ronda’s and if no one else will, I’ll say it- the food at La Fah is NOT SO GOOD. So why then do the fine people of Lafayette hit this establishment week after week?

Umm hellur my friends, we’re talking about South Louisiana here. Alcohol. And La Fondues SO kills it in the ‘beverages’ part of their business.

In fact, growing up I had always heard about a famed drink called a mix-up or a halfsies or a twirly whirls or a two colored or something like that. Whatever. I just remember thinking of it as the ‘Red and White’ and hearing it was so magical that you had to be real careful in its presence or it would ‘KNOCK YAH FLAT ON DAH FLO.’

The other thing La Fondies is famed for are the birthday clowns. Say what white gurl? Yeah, I know but hear me out. When you celebrate your birthday at La Fondly’s they always give you a small, adorable and somewhat frightening porcelain clown along with your birthday cake. I really don’t question it. You do your thing La Fonzies and I’ll do mine.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I DECIDED MY THING WAS GOING TO BE FOR MY 24TH BIRTHDAY DINNER?! YOUR THING, LA JANE FONDAS, YOUR THING. Plans were made to hit La Fondness with my mumsie and popsicle, my second famsies (Mimi and Robert) and, last but certainly not least, THE GREATEST GOOSE IN THE WORLD (Gus). Before we peaced out Mom warned me that I might be overwhelmed by how many people frequent La Donda on a Friday but I figured it would probably be no big thing.

How’d it all go down? Was I overwhelmed? Did I get a clown? Did I get a ‘Red and White’? Well its all kinda blurry BUT THANK MIRACLE BABY JESUS FOR iPhones. Amiright or amiright? Found some pictures the next morning.

So here we go, kiddos. The Search for the Great “Red and White” Begins at the Ross House:

We’re off to a usual start: Gus arrives at the Ross abode. I attempt to frighten him. Gus is not entertained. Missy cannot focus a camera.

Promptly depart (false). Arrive to La Fonderella’s on time (false). Gus still not entertained (true).

Realize Missygurl was not-a-jokin when she said La Fondue would be ‘full of people.’ Overwhelmed. Avoid eye contact.

Maybe there really weren’t that many people there but who knows BECAUSE THE WALLS ARE PAINTED FULL OF FACES TOO. ITS DECEIVING, YOU GUYS.

Must stay focused on the task at hand– putting the myth to rest aka finding the great and powerful ‘Red and White.’

Turns out not to be that hard…

RED. AND. WHITE.

FOUND.

FOUND, LIKE, 3 OR 4 IN ABOUT 30 MINUTES (Oops).

And just like that I’m no longer overwhelmed. Totes making eye-contact and even venture into actually speaking with other human beings. AND THERE ARE JUST SO MANY. Some I recognize from my past as a deviant child, some probably just from Facebook. Point is, I’m feelin’ it, ya’ll. Back down South with my people, ya’ll.

The notorious Keebler of my youth joins the party which, just in case there’s doubt, is now officially in full swing. Gus has become somewhat entertained.

YO HAI GURL.

And then like the fat kid I am, my birth is not celebrated with a cake but with a small chocolate mousse. And apparently you can only have one of those little clown men if you order a cake…

“CALL ME AFTER YOU START A REAL WORKOUT REGIME.” -Cake (the food, not the band)

BUT. THEN.

Cannot contain my excitement. All children in vicinity now fear me.

The usual suspects MAKE. IT. HAPPEN.– Missygurl and Mimi got me a clown.

Remember that episode of Honey Boo Boo Child (the voice of a generation) when HBB was given her pet pig, Glitzy– “the best gay boy pageant pig ever” that she “hope mamma don’t eat, because mamma eat everything. she fat.”? Oh you’re not watching Honey Boo Boo Child? THEN YOU’RE NOT LIVING. THAT CHILD IS BRILLIANT. But the point is, it was just like when HBB got her Glitzy gay boy pageant pig. SO. EXCITED. He can even be my version of Glitzy, the best gay boy pageant porcelain La Fonda’s clown ever if he wants to.

(He wants to)

Best friendship ensues. I provide him a comfortable home in my clutch.

One more ‘Red and White’ later and Porcelain (the Gay Boy Pageant Clown) peeks out of his home to make a point.

“Yo gurl. Its your Golden Birthday. Why are we going home? Let’s hit the town.”

Porcelain devises plan to stop at, ‘Corner Bar.’

I confer with my cohorts and we all agree. We need to go big. #YOLO, right?

So that’s how it happened and here it is my frands. The real excitement of the evening. THE ADVENTURES OF CLOWN ON THE TOWN.

Lets get cooky.

Keebler and I sing to Porcelain once en route to the bar. Clown on the Town LOVES IT/CLAPS ALONG WITH THE BEAT.

Clown on the Town makes grand entrance at Corner Bar. But believe it or not, I make grander entrance as the girl carrying, taking photos of and speaking to a small toy clown.

Clown on the Town attempts to order a drink but cannot get bartender’s attention. I don’t tell him I think his short stature is to blame because I once read in Cosmo that men don’t like being told they are short (I’m sure this theory applies to short toy clown men, as well).

Tiny.

Clown on the Town’s next move proves to me that he really is my kind of people.

Can’t get bartender’s attention? That’s fine. Clown on the Town becomes his own bartender.

Gin and Tonic, please Sir.

Confirmed. Clown on Town makes attempt but has no game with the ladies. Resigns to the life I have given him as my very own ‘gay boy pageant porcelain clown.’ Glitzy and Honey Boo Boo OFFICIALLY have competition.

gAy for effort my little friend.

Grappling with his new sexual identity C on the T would like another Gin and Tonic, puh-lease.

Clown on the Town hearts the G & Ts.

Howyoudoin.

Loving life and fully embracing ‘gay boy pageant clown’ status, Porcelain the now fabulous Clown on the Town adopts Missygurl as his Best Gurlfrand. Like any good gay boy pageant clown, Porcelain encourages Missy to “WORK IT GURL.”

Unzips Missygurl’s top in effort to add, “sass factor.”

Clown on the Town decides some tunes are in order but becomes VERY UPSET when he can not find the dance club remix of, “Send in the Clowns.”

I don’t know what to tell you.

I promise him that we can watch Barbara Streisand’s live performances on YouTube when we get home. He is appeased.

Further distract Clown on the Town from jukebox disappointment by telling him all about sistahgurl, Emily, up in NYC.

Unbeknownst to me as I share “The Best of Emily” stories with Clown on the Town, we gain our first admirer (see: background, button up shirt, victim of camera flash red eyes).
Gus still not at my level of entertained.

Clown on the Town steals my phone. Drunk texts Emily.

“HAI MIMZ, I’M NOT EVEN REAL BUT HERES MY NUMBER FOR GIN AND TONYS NEXT TIME IM IN THE CITAY”

Clown on the Town adventures to Keebler’s chest.

Nope.

Still a gay boy pageant clown and decides he would much rather get the dish from Mimi.

SAY WHAT?!

Uh oh. Time to break the seal. Just hope no one minds my tiny boyfrand joining me in the ladies’ bathroom.

Good news. Bathroom empty. Clown on the Town takes this opportunity to request a quick mirror picture tutorial. SELFIE LESSON!

I oblige. We werqs it.

Can’t decide if we are more vain than Kimye (Kim Kardashian and Kanye)? Tough call

A kind citizen of Lafayette recognizes that it is, in fact, my day of birth. Buys me a drink. Clown on the Town says its “our drink.” Forced sharing.

Good thing I’m nice.

The ‘adults’ decide its their bedtime but before they leave the ‘children’ (and clown) to our own devices Robert offers his law services based on where it looks like our night is heading. We promise to make an effort to not get in trouble.

“The best kind of friend is the kind that will defend you in court.” -Clown on the Town

Don and Missy also reiterate that Clown on the Town needs to behave himself.

AND DON AND MISSY DON’T PLAY.

But then Don sneaks in a high-five, reminds us to #YOLO and promises to pick us up at the end of our shenanigans.

YAH DAD!

Clown on the Town, YOU CANNOT DRIVE TO OUR NEXT LO-CAL. YOU SO STUPID.

MAD AT YOU FOR EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT.

Opts for riding dirty down the boulevard instead. Good second choice.

Do. your. thing.

We arrive at our second Lo-cal and the door guy takes no time letting me know I am insane.

“Thank you for the compliment and can you please provide a wristband for my toy clown too.”

He obliges. Giggles.

Clown on the Town is good to go for Round 2!

Once inside, Clown on the Town makes a few friends and INSISTS on buying the next round.

WAIT ONE MINUTE. YOU’RE A PORCELAIN CLOWN. YOU CAN’T APPLY FOR CREDIT. THAT’S MY CREDIT CARD, YOU LITTLE SHIT.

So apparently Clown on the Town allows me to treat everyone.

TWICE.

Bartender. Again.

Tries cigarettes for the first time.

Goose advises against cigs.

CLOWN ON THE TOWN DON’T CARE.

KNOW WHO ELSE DON’T CARE?

HONEY BADGER.

Clown on the Town thinks this is hilarious…

Also hilarious? KARMA.

CLOWN ON THE TOWN DON’T FEEL GOOD. HOW YOU LIKE THEM CIGS NOW?!

Gus holds Porcelain’s hair back.

BUT DON’T WORRY GUYS. Clown on the Town rallies and heads back to the bar to make more friends.

I honestly have no idea who this man is.

Then things get a little out of hand…

Clown on the Town puts my shoes on.

First my credit card now my shoes?

Clown on the Town tries to kiss me.

I oblige.

Gus? Not so much.

Still homies though.

And they look damn good.

But then Clown on the Town face-plants.

You’re cut off buddy.

Time to go home but we have somehow been locked out.

Dad?

So what are we suppose to do?

3:00 am dachshund playtime, of course.

Ridin’ dirty again.

“Mad at me? Am I in the doghouse?”

DAD FINALLY LETS US IN.

Discover we broke Clown on the Town’s foot. Gus and I feel horrible.

But then Clown on the Town requests tour of Emily’s bedroom– his idol and future best friend.

Gus obliges to make Porcelain feel better about the foot thing.

Swinging from trees.

EXISTENTIAL CRISIS.

THERE ARE MORE CLOWNS.

What the frig?

DONE. GAME OVER. CANNOT HANDLE MULTIPLE CLOWNS. JUST GOING TO SLEEP IT OFF.

But then later finds Gus again and claims to be too scared of the other clowns to sleep in Mimzy’s room.

…………………………….

Next Morning. Hates life. Loves coffee.

And I think its safe to say I am done with Clown on the Town or any clowns for that matter.

…or maybe just beginning?

Time will tell. Maybe next time I am in town and need to entertain myself?

Just a brainstorm: “Send in the Clowns” Christmas 2k12. Christmas Clowns on the Town 2k12. Clowncon 2k12. Christmaclownmas 2k12. Clownvention 2k12. La Clowndas Does Christmas. Clownristmas. Clownventure. Clowntimes.
Yeah, think I’m done. Gunna end it on ‘Clowntimes.’ Great ideas.

W