Golden Birthday Adventure Wrap-Up: Goodbye South, Goodbye House

The time has come, my little friends, to talk of other things

Of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings…

Alice in Wonderland

I am the Walrus! No I’m not, just kidding. I is not the Walrus BUT I do love a little rhyme-time here and there and I thought the beginning of the Walrus’s poem from Alice in Wonderland was just way too apropos for this moment.

Because its true. Its time for me to wrap-up my little back down South adventure series and get back to blaggin’ about my usual nonsense. However, before we depart entirely (and trust me we are departing ENTIRELY in the next post featuring a little story about a trip I took to the Kardashian end-all-be-all Mecca aka their LA Dash store) I’d like to wrap up my ‘back down South’ adventure by sharing a few more precious moments.

No, not referring to the giftware collection of precious moments porcelain figurines. Think its safe to say I’m done with any small porcelain figurines for the time being…but YA’LL GET EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS CLOWNVENTION 2K12.

I’m no expert but IS this moment really “precious”?

Anyway, on with the show! So once again, lets get cooky y’all.

15 GOLDEN NUGGETS FROM MY GOLDEN BIRTHDAY ADVENTURE DOWN SOUTH:

NUGGET #1:

Hanging with these two yahoos, Mumsie and Popsicle.

Not going home for 9 months is just the worst HOWEVER there are minor perks. Like my parents being so friggin’ excited to see me that they create a fun filled agenda of field trips and activities. They wore me out.

NUGGET #2:

THIS.

BECAUSE ITS SUPER MAGICAL AND DOES NOT HAPPEN IN CALIFORNIA. Basically its water that falls from the sky but Missygurl told me the technical term for it is “rain” and that she “is sick of putting up with it.”

NUGGET #3:

Going to ‘Hokus Pokus Liquor.’ Okay, I’ve got to break this one down for you guys.

  1. ‘Hokus Pokus’ is spelled with K’s. For why? Well I don’t know but I like it Mr. Rebel Speller Liquor Shop Owner.
  2. The sign says to go here if you need a ‘Spiritual Advisor.’ Spiritual Advisor at a ‘spirits’ store? What a play on words! Once again, I like it Mr. Clever Liquor Shop Owner
  3. Is it just me or does the ‘ghost,’ with his arms spread out wide and his legs a-danglin’ so he is in the shape of, let’s just say a “T,” look familiar? What are you trying to tell me Mr. Liquor Shop Owner? Should I take this as a sign of some sort?
  4.  Whilst picking out a t-shirt to purchase (OBVIOUSLY GOTTA BUY THE T-SHIRT FROM HOKUS POKUS SPELLED WITH SOME Ks) an older and very tan lady with mousey blonde hair shooting off in every direction walked up to me and asked, “Do you work here or what?” I guess I’m going to go with “or what?” She seemed pissed and started muttering under her breath so obviously I took this opportunity to get out the old iPhone notes app and follow her around the store.

Does anyone work here?! Who works here!? You work here. Come here you. I need some help.

Ohhh yes ma’am. You said it, however, I think the liquor store is probably not where you’re going to find the kind of “help” you need. In fact, its probably exactly the opposite of where you’re going to find it.

She orders the liquor store cashier to follow her. She leads us to an aisle, starts pointing every which way then says…

Now listen. I don’t like coffee.

Good. Not a coffee shop ma’am. We are on the right track.

BUT I like coffee if it has liquor in it. Pacifically, tequila.

I’m sorry, Pacifically? Is this some sort of Tequila from the Pacific Ocean? And should I even begin to open up commentary on the fact that you’re mixing coffee (a drink you don’t like…) with tequila? So you’re basically just accessorizing your alcohol habit? No? Oh okay my bad. Please continue.

And I want a good tequila. I want one that works.

WAIT WHAT, MOUSEY HAIRED HOMEGURL? WHEN DOES TEQUILA EVER NOT WORK?! IT ALWAYS WORKS. TRUST ME.

And I want one that comes in a good box and imma take that box home with me and I’m gunna use it at Chrismahtime to gift wrap some socks.

So we didn’t ask but thanks for volunteering that sock information because now we are super curious. The equally intrigued liquor store guy asks her what exactly does she mean when she says she is going to gift wrap socks in a tequila box.

It means exactly what I just said. I’m gunna put socks in this box and someone is gunna get it all gift wrapped at Chrismahtime and they going tah thinks its tequila but its not going tah be tequila its going tah be socks. I’m gunna deceive them.

Cue both myself and the liquor store guy doing the ole cocked head eye squint as we think this one through.

Then I get it and it all comes full circle. Hokus Pokus. Spirits. Witchcraft. ECETRA. She’s obviously a witch. A ‘deceiving’ witch, no less. And in that case, you go gurl! But please don’t attempt to operate a motor vehicle.

Stick to the broom, Hermoine.

NUGGET #4:

Many-a-local telling me how horrible the Lafayette traffic is.

Good one, you guys. Hysterical, in fact, considering Los Angeles Traffic is killing me softly with his song.

NUGGET #5:

While on the topic of driving… We all know my loyalties lie with her majesty, my BFF the Pretty Pretty Alien Princess Prius BUT it was pretty yahdorable when Missygurl introduced me to her new car, “Pretty Prius’s big sister the Toyota Venza of Venus.” So my mom not only joins in on the insanity but now we also have a family of cars from outerspace.

What did your mom do today?

NUGGET #6:

Whilst getting my teeth cleaned getting asked where I went to school. I told her I went to ESA for high school and then Vanderbilt. The teeth cleaning lady said she didn’t know Vanderbilt was a boarding school.

‘HUH?’

I tell her its a college so, yeah, I guess in a way its kinda like a boarding school.

Her turn for a big ‘HUH?’

Sure enough, after much explaining on both her and my part, she had never heard of a university called ‘Vanderbilt’ (with a ‘R’) and thought I said I went to Vandebilt (no ‘R’) which is a Catholic high school in Thibodeaux, Louisiana and definitely not a boarding school.

Guys, I can’t even…I mean…But I already said I went to ESA for high school so why would I…So you thought I…But seriously, ya’ll…I mean…VANDERBILT IS IN THE FREAKING SEC.

WHY?!

Go Dores

NUGGET #7:

Judice Inn. Yes, on my birthday too no less. I know not everyone will get this, heck I don’t even really get it, but these tiny, not necessarily super appetizing looking burgers from this tiny, hole-in-the-wall restaurant are magical. Sometimes I dream about eating them and then wake up and realize I’m 2,000+ miles away. And guess what? IN-N-OUT AIN’T GOT SHIT ON JUDICE INN.

Favorite meal. On my birthday. BOOM. DONE. COUNT IT.

NUGGET #8:

Any and every time I got asked any of the following questions:

  • Does it REALLY never rain in California or are they just saying that?
  • Do you know any celebrities?
  • But just how poor are you?
  • Do you drive a Prius?
  • How big is your bedroom?
  • Does anyone out there eat Chick Fil A?
  • Do you know any homeless people?
  • Do you know anyone who has a marijuana card?
  • Do you know ANY Republicans?
  • How many asian people do you know?
  • Is everyone out there gay?
  • I bet you drive a Prius, don’t you?
  • Are you sure about this whole “California” thing?

And my favorite, “So when are you moving back?”

NOPE. IN IT TO WIN IT, YOU GUYS, IN IT TO WIN IT.

ALSO, just to be fair to my Louisianians, the Californians ask me some pretty ridiculous questions too. My favorite to date?

“Do you really like eating those little red roach things?”

Took me a while to figure out what exactly I was being asked but, yes, I do enjoy eating crawfish.

NUGGET #9:

Going to a 10 PM movie with my best friend, Goose. Super excited when we arrive and see no one else in the theater. BUT SUPER BUMMED to see we are late and the movie already started. What’s a girl to do? Easy. Just go ask the theater to restart it. Tell them you’re in from California for just a few days, all you want to do is see this movie and ITS YOUR 24TH BIRTHDAY!

But didn’t you just show us a student ID from Vanderbilt in Tennessee?

Oh, you’ve heard of Vanderbilt?! Finally someone has heard of… NO WAIT THATS BESIDE THE POINT PLEASE JUST RESTART THE MOVIE FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

Dazzle, distract, make the movie lady forget about the Student ID fib.

She obliges. Goose and I enjoy a nice bottle of cabernet sauvignon I snuck into the movie via my oversized purse.

But then I fall asleep for the last 15 minutes of the movie. DAMNIT. FOILED AGAIN.

To be honest Gus and I were probably late for the movie because we were trying to teach Lincoln how to take selfies beforehand.

 

NUGGET #10:

Got my eyes dilated. Pretended I was Gaga on the streets of Lafayette in the stunner shades the Optometrist provided me with.

NUGGET #11:

Being a child again– aka not having to drive or pay for things or worry about the electricity bill running all day or any other nonsense adult things I have to put up with whilst being a nonsense adult thing in Los Angeles. However mother did keep me on my toes by making me do some manual labor and, keeping up the whole “Imma Kid Again” charade, I pitched a minor fit. Missygurl documented the event.

Fat dachshunds laughed at me.

NUGGET #12:

Stopped by Lake Charles for a quick visit with my grandparents, affectionately referred to as Ganny and Podge.

Let me just say my Podge has always been a boss. Football coach turned principal and father of 4 has worked his entire life and now he just can’t stop. He tried retirement. It did not work. So where does he choose to spend his days? The funeral home.

Yes, the funeral home. Ohhh and he thinks its hilarious too. Makes jokes about how he is going to end up there one day anyway so he’s “just getting comfortable.” Anyways, he told me he was sitting in the back pew during a funeral service recently and a now middle aged man who had played on his football team back in the day walked up to him and said, “Coach Moore I thought you were already dead!” My grandfather decided this was a prime opportunity to play ‘Ghost of Football Coach Past.’

And you thought I was goofy.

NUGGET #13:

Also while at my grandparents house I took the time to peruse some old photos and I have just one question.

DO WE LEARN NOTHING FROM OUR OWN EXPERIENCES, MOTHER?!

Young Wilhelmina, left. Young Missygurl, right.

Guys. How in the world could Missygurl (aka my mother) let this haircut happen to me when she went through the same torture herself? It just doesn’t make sense.

NUGGET #14:

My Louisiana sky, ya’ll.

I mean really.

NUGGET #15:

Last but not least, we’re gunna get real y’all…

When my parents said they bought me a plane ticket home for my birthday I was ecstatic, HOWEVER, I soon found out that free trip home came with a twist. Mumsie and Popsicle wanted me back in Louisiana to not only celebrate my 24th year on Earth but also to pack up my worldly possessions.

Yup, they decided to move out of the house I grew up in and they needed me to prance on over from California so that I could go through my old stuff and put it in boxes. I see what you did there parents…even wooed me with first class plane tickets. Very. Clever.

Now we’re all adults here and I get it. It just doesn’t make sense for them to stay in the house. Its too big and they want to be able to travel more and be able to visit my sister and I more without being too tied down in Louisiana. Makes sense, right? I can be reasonable about them moving, right? I can totally be an adult about this decision, right?

Google Earthed my own house. That’s whats up.

Wrong again, Willy.

And here is the ridiculous part. Take a guess when it hit me that I was really saying goodbye to the house I grew up in.

Maybe when I was driving away for the last time?

Perhaps when I walked out the door for the last time?

When I packed the last box?

While I was taking one last photograph of my bedroom?

Nope.

In true Queen Wilhelmina fashion it hit me whilst on the throne.

Yes, while peeing for the last time in the toilet of my youth. I just completely broke down.

Nothing like a good pee to get those emotions out, y’all.

So there I was…yes, number one-ing…and, yes, sobbing…in the bathroom of my childhood and my mother comes running up to my room because she hadn’t heard me cry like that since circa 96′ when I busted my chin open doing one legged “flamingo” spins on the freshly mopped flower store linoleum floor.

By the time she got upstairs I had taken the time to pull up my pants up and sprawl myself out on the floor of my bedroom. So really putting a dramatic spin on things, Missygurl found me face down and crying like a banshee.

And when she said (read: screamed over my sobbing), “What’s wrong, Mina?” I managed to turn over and really tell her how I was feeling. You know, really use my vocabulary.

“Its just that– MOMMMMMMM.”

Breathe.

Sob.

Try again.

“Mommmmmm it just hit–and–”

Okay, champ, you got it this time.

“But MOOOOOOOMMMMMM this is the exact spot where…I grew up and MOOMMM… this is exactly where I was reading Harry Potter when Dummmmbblllleeedooore diiiiiieeeeeeeed.”

Yeah, so out of all the things I grew up doing in that house and out of all the memories and all the unforgettable times, the first thing that came to mind was that this is where I was when a fictional character died.

Sometimes I just don’t even understand…

But you know what homies? All said and done and sobbed and cried out, I don’t have to understand because I feel pretty great. Do you know what it feels like to be 24 years old, after years of practiced emotions and reigning it all in to “be cool” and then to just LET. IT. ALL. OUT?

I mean really cry like a toddler…?

I highly recommend it once in a while.

I think crying for the house was just an excuse to let go and let myself feel any and everything I was keeping pint up inside. Moreover, now that I’ve let it all out I’m okay with passing the house on to another family– hopefully one that will have as much fun as us Ross’s did.

And as if there was any question, we definitely had a ball.

……………………………………………….

So that’s it. Goodbye South. Goodbye House.

Back to wonderland.